November 5, 1999 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 17
bigtips
Want acceptance as a woman? Learn not to oppress.
by M.T. "the Big Tipper” Martone Dear Big Tipper,
I was glad to see the letter from Long Tall Sally. From the controversy at the Michigan festival to the actions of Ara Tripp, to this letter in your column, there is one thing that continues to bother me about the preparation that these former men go through in their quest to become women.
I'm thinking that instead of (or maybe in addition to) all that psychological counseling, what these folks really should be required to do is complete a full course— all the way to graduate level-on feminist theory. Not that they have to be feminists either before or after their transition, but they would probably understand a hell of a lot more about what it means to be a woman in this society if they knew their Friedan and their Steinem and their bell hooks and their Dworkin.
Here are some examples of why I think this is a good idea: I can't remember where I read it, but there was a recent essay by a transgendered person who was at Michigan, and she stated in her essay that the women in the festival couldn't possibly have been as uncomfortable with her penis as she was.
Then there was Ara, who (at least according to the media's portrayal of her) seems to think that the worst repression women face in our lives is the inability to walk around in public topless.
I certainly do not know a single woman of any sexual orientation who has even a glimmer of patience for anyone—especially someone who is not even a woman, no matter how much he may feel like one-telling her what she wants in bed.
Few things make women madder than being told what we feel, and being told that our feelings can't possibly compare to what a "man" is feeling (and I'm a woman, so I get to say that).
I took a very small survey and discovered that among the women I asked, the daily fear of rape is a far bigger issue than our lack of the right to run around topless. A similarly small survey of straight women has divulged to me that they are not all "extremely turned on by cross dressers and absolutely love it when you make love to them dressed as a woman. I mean, really. For some of us. there is a reason we choose to go to bed with
a man.
"
I wish someone would point out to Ara Tripp, Lonely Femme, and the writer of the essay about Michigan, that if you want to be
a woman, you need to stop making pronouncements about what women want, what women need, what makes women uncomfortable. This is a typical male trick and it has been used for millennia to oppress women and frankly it will not make you very popular at all with the girls.
So listen up, "guys," and learn this about being a woman: You gotta leave the tendency to oppress us behind. We will not have it. You won't be one of us until you get it.
0
BIG TIPS
Straight White Feminist
Person Born Female
Dear XX.
Tell it, sister. Eyes open, mouth shut isn't a bad idea in the beginning for anyone transitioning to a new community. Of course, it's hard not
to be flushed with excitement and enthu-
siasm when you're figuring out something new
about your identity, and forethought, grace and tact may suffer. (The things I said about "boys" when I was coming out ... yeesh.) I recommend patience from all parties.
Dear Tip.
My boyfriend is always cold at night, and I'm usually too hot. Our house has two bedrooms, one that isn't insulated, that's quite warm in the summer and too cold in the winter. All summer we slept in the hot room, and I couldn't even have the fan on, because he says the noise doesn't let him sleep.
Now that it's cold, I want to stay in that room, but he says it's too cold for him to sleep in there. I can handle it in the less comfortable rooms, so I feel like he will always get his way since he says he absolutely can't sleep in the room less comfortable for him. Besides feeling uncomfortable, I feel like he's always winning in this issue, and I don't like that. What do you think I should do? Hot and Cold
Dear Frosty the Boyfriend,
Could there be a more perennial struggle? Besides snoring, this is one of the first domestic issues to torment potential cosleepers.
Do you feel like he "wins" on a lot of little things like this? If it's a pattern for you to give in on things, or for him to be pushy, pick something that really matters to you, and stand firm on you desire for a more equitable out-
come.
Not to make a point (like that you deserve to "win" sometimes), but because you're an individual who likes certain things and has a right to enjoy them.
If you decide to make the sleeping arrangements your issue to work with, try this: If you have two bedrooms, you don't always have to sleep together. If you're feeling uncomfortable, tell your sweetie that you're going to sleep in the other room. Don't do that in the middle of a fight; you want the arrangements to be separate from any other issue. If he
misses you painfully, he can come and sleep with you. Make sure you have lots of quilts in there for him in case he comes to visit. If he doesn't, you get an occasional peaceful comfortable night. When you sleep together the next night, it's a little more fun. Good luck. (I'm the hot one, too).
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.
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